Today I heard from someone from my past. Someone who wanted to talk about things in the past. Things I don't want to re-visit. Someone who hurt me terribly. I immediately felt all of the sadness and anger, worry and drama creeping in.
Today, I did something different. For once, I said no. I used to fight back, allow the problems in, worry about the most irrelevant stuff and allow myself to become an emotional basket case. Today, I took care of me.
I wrote back immediately. I stated that I needed to not have these conversations any longer. I told them they had done so much wrong but that it was no longer a part of my life. I asked them to please allow me to let it go. I explained how with my health the way it is now I have to change. I explained that I cannot afford to focus on such negative memories. I stated that for the first time in my life, I was learning to put myself first.
As I typed those words, it hit me. I meant it. I've never in my entire life allowed myself to put my feelings ahead of someone else's. I have always worried about how they would feel, how this or that would affect them and would base all of my decisions and actions on that. I often would allow myself to be miserable to ensure that someone else wouldn't need to be. I have changed and for that, I am so proud of myself.
It's okay to care about me. It's okay to say this isn't healthy for me. It's okay to say enough is enough. If someone truly cares about you, they will hear you and accept your feelings.
Don't get me wrong, this doesn't mean I don't care about others, nor does it mean it's all about me now. It just means I am finally learning to draw the line. I am learning that in order to be as healthy as I can be I need to put myself first because only then will I have enough in me to show the people I love so much how I feel.
MS is not a blessing, it is not a gift. It is teaching me though, slowly, to really decide what is important and what is not.
As small as it sounds, this person's contact was a very good thing. It forced me to stand up for myself in a way I never have. It forced me to change, instantly, just by typing an e-mail. I feel so good right now. I feel so proud.