Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Is it me?

Is it me?  Is it him?  Is it the MS?

Who the hell knows.  I lay in bed last night with tears choking at the back of my throat.  I had rubbed his back and told him I loved him, he mumbled something back and started snoring.  All of a sudden, I felt alone.  Like, really alone.  Alone in the bed, the house, my life, this god damn disease.  Where did this all come from?

I keep getting up every day and putting a smile on and pushing through.  I tell pretty much everyone I'm fine.  I tell myself I'm fine.  I'm not fine.  I'm sad.  Supposedly a symptom of this crap is depression.  So, the question I guess is, am I really sad or is it just another lesion?  Just another part of this?  Is he really being more distant or am I being more sensitive?  Are the kids really being a lot more difficult or do I have a lot less patience.  More than likely, it's me.

It doesn't feel that way though.  No matter how I analyze it.  No matter how much I tell myself, I'm the one who has changed, I still feel very alone.  I don't have the energy to hang out with my friends, so they call less.  I don't have the energy to be intimate with my boyfriend, so he's pretty much given up.  I don't have the energy to do much with my kids, so they barely talk to me.  I'm really screwing things up lately.

I have got to find some way out of this hole I'm digging.  I have got to find a way to actually feel like I'm pretending to all the time because this pretending thing is getting exhausting in itself.  I'm worried about my next relapse, I'm worried about not being able to walk, I'm worried about everyone finding out I have this, I'm worried about our future financially.... hell, I'm worried about everything.

I feel guilty because my house isn't as clean as it usually is.  I feel guilty because my own children are avoiding me.  I feel guilty because I nap too often.  I feel guilty because there are people with MS who have it far worse than me at the moment, so who the hell am I to complain.  I feel guilty because I don't want to talk on the phone with people.  I feel guilty because every time someone bitches to me about something in their life, I quietly think, "suck it up, you don't know problems", while listening and giving them advice.  I feel guilty because I am nowhere close to the girlfriend I used to be, I am no fun at all.

My God, do I ever sound pathetic. 

Seriously, where did I go?  If anyone sees the old me around, please let me know, I'd really like her back.

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